You Can Put it Anywhere: The 51 Worst Films Part 4 #20-11
As we get into the top (bottom?) 20 you will probably notice that I am far more forgiving of low-budget pictures than to high budget ones. That is because I think if you have loads of money you have no excuse for making a lousy picture. So, please keep that in mind as we move forward.
20) Monster A Go-Go- An extremely low-budget film that was abandoned in 61 by the original director and then taken up by H.G. Lewis. Unfortunately, a few years had gone by, and Lewis could not get all the original cast together, so half the cast disappears about halfway through the film, to be replaced by others playing the same characters. Ostensibly, the film is about an astronaut that is turned into an atomic monster. Eventually, the monster astronaut is captured, and then escapes though both event happen off-screen. In the end, we learn that there was no monster (but… caught/ escaped, remember?), and the astronaut was found alive and well in the North Atlantic. As I did with Manos, I suggest you only watch the MST3K version.
19) Red Dawn (1984)- The Russians and Cubans invade America. However, the commie bastards hadn’t reckoned they would have to deal with real American heroes. These heroes are: Patrick “nobody puts baby in a corner” Swayze, C. Thomas “Soul Man” Howell, Jennifer “There’s no such thing as too much cosmetic surgery” Grey, Charlie “I’ll be crazy in 20 years” Sheen, and Lea “At least I don’t have big 80’s hair in this one” Thompson. For some reason, the pinko’s decide to start the invasion in Colorado, since it played such a significant role in our national security during the cold war, and I think Cubans like to ski. I think they were supposed to have massed troops in Mexico, and The Joint Chiefs & Pentagon just totally missed a couple million paratroopers and tanks hanging out on our border. The U.S. Military can’t seem to overcome them, but a group of High Schoolers can, I’m not sure if that says how much our military suck or theirs. The best thing about this film, apart from how hilarious it is, is that it also stars Ron “Superfly” O’Neal as Cuban baddie Col. Bella. The remake is schedule to be released soon, after a 3-year holdup, which bodes well for its quality. In this version, we will be invaded by the North Koreans, ‘coz we didn’t want to piss off our future masters The Chinese.
Now remember this is a high school
18) Sucker Punch- Perhaps one of the most aptly titled films of all time. Advertised as an action flick what viewers got instead was a statement about girl power, except it is kinda hard to find it behind all the schoolgirl outfits, T&A, and characters with names like Babydoll and Sweet Pea.
I’m sure, however, Zack Snyder’s reason for making this film was to empower young women, and had nothing to do with being surrounded 8-12 hours a day by Jena Malone, Abby Cornish and Carla Gugino, whose costumes consist of skimpy fetish wear. Now neither my right hand nor I have a problem with a blonde Emily Browning in a schoolgirl outfit, but even with that this film is like the anti-Cialis. By the way, I should mention that the whole being sexually aggressive and promiscuous as female empowerment thing is just something us guys invented so we could get laid.
17) Watchmen- Some stuff just should not be made into movies, and the comic book (sorry graphic novel for those of you that are too uncomfortable to admit you read comics) The Watchmen is one of them. In its original form, it is a multilayered full story. In its filmic form, it is a 2 hour and 45 minute snore-fest. The only bright spots are Jefffrey Dean Morgan (as The Comic), Jackie Earle Haley (as Rorschach), and of course Malin Akerman’s full, firm breasts. See I told you I had a Zack Snyder problem.
16) The English Patient- Outstanding acting, artful Cinematography, and a carefully plotted adaptation of the source novel add up to me not giving a fuck. Just hurry up and fucking die Kristen Scott Thompson, so I can go home. I think Kahn in King of the Hill summed it up best when he said “Great, our hopes for survival pinned on Dale Gribble. I’m gonna die like English Patient girlfriend. Long, painful, boring death!”
15) Pay It Forward- A movie so heavy-handed in its attempts to manipulate my emotions that I end up feeling nothing but anger and disgust. I was also glad when Haley Joel Osmet’s character was stabbed, because it was what I had been thinking of doing for about an hour and a half.
14) The Butterfly Effect- An intriguing idea ruined by a mean-spirited presentation. I don’t mind dark, but for me this movie skips dark, makes a brief stop at mean, and moves right on to hateful, where it builds a house and starts a family. The sexual molestation of children, blowing up babies, and the immolation of animals are just some of the plot points in this film. None of it is handled in anything close to a tactful way. The Filmmakers clearly are blissfully unaware that there is a colossal difference between dark or edgy and mean and spiteful, and to top it all off the film stars Ashton Kutcher.
13) Twister- 2 hours of Helen Hunt screaming “We have to get closer” and Bill Paxton driving like a madman TOWARDS tornadoes only to shout “We have to get out of here”.
12) Cruel Intentions- The one, the only, the original film responsible for people taking masterly works of literature (The Taming of The Shrew, Othello etc.) and remaking them with a teen cast, because that it what our teens need dumbed down Shakespeare. Buffy and the future ex-Mr. Witherspoon bet on whether he can get Tracy Flick to fuck him. He wagers his car, she her body (anyone else have a little problem with the message this is sending). These are the exact kind of role models our teens need.
This is also one of the funniest films I have ever seen. It is even funnier when you listen to the commentary on the DVD because the filmmakers actually genuinely wholeheartedly believe they are making great art. It is like someone doing a velvet paint by numbers of ‘Dogs Playing Poker’ and then claiming they are Rembrandt.
“The Bet” scene
11) The Dog Who Saved Christmas- An absurd mess of a kids movie that always forgets that its audience still believes in Santa Claus, so in between fart jokes, they have to back pedal on all the evidence they present in the film for the nonexistence of the jolly old elf. Easily the worst talking dog film ever made. I’ll stop here since you can see my full review here.