Not Approved For Use While Chillin In Your Sensory Deprivation Tank

It is no secret that The Monkey was a weird kid. This, of course, is through no fault or effort on my part. It is simply a byproduct of having a childhood that spans the late sixties to mid seventies. This was a time when what passed for a healthy breakfast was a glass of orange juice, a piece of toast, and a great big heaping bowl-full of Freakies cereal. I know this is true because all the cereal featured the words ‘part of a healthy breakfast’ and then a picture of said breakfast on the back of the box. Now if you don’t know what Freakies are I will tell you; they were crunchy little circles of sugar and corn syrup that made you run around like a spastic idiot for about 4 hours. They also claimed to provide 25% of the recommended daily allowance of 8 essential vitamins and minerals (and probably about 2000% of the RDA of BHT, an added ingredient to preserve freshness). Basically, they were Bath Salts for kids.

And after eating a bowl you could taste the colors man.

This was followed up by eating a healthy lunch that included Oscar Mayer processed meat food (The Label said Baloney though), and Twinkies ( I ate so many of these growing up that when I die I do not believe I will need to be embalmed).

Our weekends consisted of watching T.V. shows based on MASH (except with dogs in all the parts, it was called MUSH), The Banana Splits, H.R. PuffnStuff or Lidsville (all of which should be classified as controlled substances by the FBI).

At night you would watch Creature Features, Chiller, or The Night Gallery then go to bed and wait for the monsters to come out of you closet and eat you. In the morning you would stumble down the stairs all bleary eyed. Then came the Freakies(part of this complete breakfast) and you were ready to go, Go, GO, GO, GO. See what I mean.

This alone was good for 3 or 4 nightmares a week.

As for music, well in between book and records (ding, turn the page), Jesus Christ Superstar, and The Edgar Winter Band coming from my sister’s room, we had this little pieces of psychotropic drug distilled into musical form. It is called The Zodiac-Cosmic Sounds, and featured 12 tracks of music and narration each dedicated to one sign of the zodiac…Man. When I was, like 8, I thought this was the coolest thing ever committed to vinyl. Now before you listen there are a few things you need to do:

1) Grow you hair like really long, and don’t wash it for a week.

2) Decide that everything that has to do with being a productive member of society is either ‘a drag’ or ‘a bummer’.

3) Get some Go-Go Boots.

4) Rose tinted Lennon glasses are essential.

5) Have your old man tell you that “As long as you live under my roof you’ll live by my rules’.

6) Hanging from The Who’s helicopter is optional, but highly recommended.

7) A black-light and black-light posters (preferably one with a unicorn, a peace sign, the cover to any Led Zeppelin album, or all the above)

8) Turn on, tune in drop out.

9) Drugs are not needed as possession of the album is a Class B felony, but that is just THE MAN trying to keep you down and being hypocritical since he has drink everyday after work.